So I came to a rather startling and fringe-depressing conclusion today: I'm, essentially, driven by nothing. I like hanging out and talking to people and drinking beer and listening to music and watching football and reading about most things, but I'm not [fill in the blank]-oriented. I'm not goal-oriented. I'm not career-oriented. I'm not...oriented. Not at all.

The MBA program thoughts have come mostly as a means to an end: Make some bank. Invest a six-digit number in a two-year term, come out able to pay back that number much quick than I'd be able to pay that number back were I to continue on my current path (which is to say, never.)

And, of course, it's not true that I'm not oriented at all. It's just that I'm not oriented towards things that MBAs should be oriented to, like "money" and "success." (Or, rather, I define success differently as what the person driven to get an MBA might define success.) I like to think I'm family-oriented, or friend-oriented, or happiness-oriented. In fact, I'm most certainly all three of those things.

When it comes down to it, I don't think money is that important to me. But, shit, if that's the reason I'm considering an MBA (and it is), it's probably not worth it.

So, if I stop here, what have I done / not-done?

I've taken on a challenge, which is to say the GMAT, and I've fought and I've fought and I've fought, and I came out kicking ass. That was satisfying - it's probably the thing I've worked hardest on since...maybe I started dropping weight, or maybe since I started running.

I've assessed where I am as a person, which is to say, not anywhere interesting. I'm floating, not Zen-like, but just floating-like. Is that okay? Not really. But is it terrible? Not really, either.

I've also invested ...hardly any money. $40 on a prep book, $225 on the test itself, and $56 more this weekend to send out my scores to previously out-of-my-league schools (among them, yes, Northwestern). To continue the process, I'll have to invest at least $600 more, exclusively on application fees.

What have I not done, then? I've not gotten any closer to getting rich. Which is the reason I started this damn process anyway.

Here's what happened: Today, I connected with Mukie, who is where I think I'd like to be in a year. Or, where I thought I'd like to be in a year. Mukie was accepted to the program eight months ago, which is a fantastic challenge and is certainly quite an accomplishment. He now hosts prospective students, takes them to lunch and whatnot, and generally is one of many "faces" of the school to this prospective student. He is probably not the most attractive face, but he may be one of the friendliest.

I've not gotten so deep into the applications yet, but I know there are some difficult-to-answer questions, even in the form of the fill-in-the-box questions. Things like "What position would you like to have upon graduation from business school?" I have no idea, but you can't write "Guy Making Six Figures." Then, there's the part about "Personal Statements," which generally state, you know, "I want my MBA because..."

My question to Mukie was..."So, what the hell do you write for that?" And his response was precise and intelligent and indicative of something that he has that I don't, which is A Plan. A Goal. Something To Be Accomplished. I have none of the above, nor any idea what I'm interested in, other than Northwestern Wildcats sports and the music of The Hold Steady.

I remember talking to Nemo about this, at the very earliest state of consideration, say, mid-June or early-July. "So why do people do this?" was my question to Nemo, who has far less "publicly" considered this. "To make more money." [The conversation didn't go exactly like that, but there was that conclusion point, either stated in question form by me and affirmed by him, or jointly determined.]

And that seemed to be satisfying. But, really, it's not a sufficient reason to do this. Is it?

The other part was when Mukie played, of all things, counselor. Let's be honest, I've never given Mukie credit for being perceptive...he's a Tech-guy, after all. But he asked exactly the right questions during our conversation, which lasted 40-some minutes. The whole Why? thing. The whole What are you, ultimately, seeking? thing.

And then he brought up things that he had to be focused on, and things that he had fallen behind on, and upcoming obligations. These included things like "Coffee Chats" and "Getting caught up on networking" and lining up his summer internship with some company that I'm supposed to be very impressed with but about whom, really, I couldn't care less, and things that are very impressive and very business school-oriented and, really, kind of nauseating to me. I don't like "Networking," and not because I don't like people, because I like people, quite a lot, but because I don't like the falseness of it. And we know it's false, and that's okay, I guess, but it's not something I'm into.

So what's the point here? Maybe I've taken this train as far as it can go, for me. Or maybe I just don't want to write those fucking essays.

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Oh, crap. I just let the heavy stuff get to its heaviest.

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In other news, I asked for recommendations on Tuesday. They were nice conversations, generally. The highlight was when my conservative-looking, early-50s and totally awesome supervisor and I were finishing our conversation. He muttered..."...didn't think you were gonna do that well...you're fucking brilliant." And he said "fucking," and it was out of this world hilarious. And, thankfully, I could tell that he wasn't angry with me for considering this, which is nice enough.

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Thursday, Barry Bonds was indicted. I think it was Thursday. PTI was canceled to cover the breaking news on ESPN. Steve Phillips, who is an idiot, was brought on to comment via telephone. He was asked what Bud Selig's reaction would be. Steve Phillips talked about how Bud Selig had stayed behind the scenes during Bonds' run this summer and had been very reserved in any celebration of the accomplishment, obviously, and that he and Major League Baseball were feeling "a little bit of satisfaction" over the indictment.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

This is the "most hallowed record in all of sports" and it was broken by an obvious cheater, but an obvious cheater who had passed every drug test ever administered, and who, therefore, was not a cheater in the eyes of baseball. But anyone who is not a complete, complete idiot knows precisely that he's been cheating, and has a pretty good idea of when it started.

And, sadly, that record's in the books.

And Bud Selig's "satisfied"? Yup, I'm sure.

It was also, at this point, that I turned off ESPN. What a waste of a beautiful concept.

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I don't really want to write about Northwestern-Illinois, so I won't. Much.

It was a disheartening loss, mostly because it was painfully apparent that a) Illinois is more talented and b) Illinois wanted it more. Both had quite a bit on the line, though Illinois probably had a bit more on the line (A New Year's Day Bowl or the Alamo Bowl as compared to nothing or the Motor City Bowl), but there was no excuse for NU to get so thoroughly smoked.

Duke and Purdue could have been wins. To an extent, Michigan could have been. Iowa was a better team than NU, so I don't consider that a "could-have-been," even though it could have been. Certainly, Illinois and Ohio State were the only games where NU clearly did not belong on the same field as its opponent. With Duke and Purdue, let's say 8-4 was reasonably attainable.

On the other hand, Michigan State could have been a loss (had MSU just run the ball in overtime), and Nevada and Minnesota should have been losses. So, by the same token, 3-9 was also attainable.

This rambling is to no end, for the record.

I think we're at a good point when 6-6 is a disappointment for NU. When I started following the Cats, 6-6 would have been reason for elation. Or, at least, something approaching happiness.

This is what we call progress, kind of.

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I've not seen NU basketball this season. Due to the Big Ten Network, I'll probably not see them more than three or four times. (Dish is confirmed impossible in my location, sadly.)

However, Michael Thompson is awesome. This is reason for optimism.

I hope they win more than four conference games this season.

They're a very young team, kind of. Their upperclassmen - Moore, Williams, Okrzesik - are inferior to their underclassmen - Thompson, Coble [when he's back, and word is he should be back], Ryan, Capocci [we hope]. This is a good sign, we hope.

That's as deep as I'll go with NU hoops analysis (though not really). I wish they had beaten DePaul on Saturday.