i spend much of my time listening to and reading about music, so i've read a way-above-average amount of record reviews in my day. while i've read my share of bad record reviews, i'm proud to report that i've found the WORST RECORD REVIEW EVER. It appears in the most current magnet magazine, featuring interviews with such alternative luminaries as tom petty, pearl jam and beck.

clearly, the reviewer (joe s. harrington) couldn't amply describe the music on the beatifics' the way we never were, so he instead chose to name a bunch of artists that sound sort of like the beatifics. in fact, in the review, he names 20. 20! now, generally, 3.5 reviews fit on a page. there are 37 lines in the review. that's an artist-every-two-lines ratio, which isn't real good.

and so, i'll present to you, all 20 artists named in the WORST RECORD REVIEW EVER:

"...Eric Carmen-like (1) croon of 'different stars' ..."

"...pudding-haired practitioners of neo-Merseybeat, (2) a modern-day equivalent of the Raspberries (3), ..."

"...playful pranksterism...that recalls Teenage Fanclub (4) or the Olivia Tremor Control (5) at its most Beatlesque. ..." (editor's note: this beatles reference doesn't even count...one later)

"...Like Velvet Crush (6), ..."

(and the ridiculous, not-even-hipster-band name-dropping section...)

"equal parts Byrds (7), Beatles (8), and Beach Boys (9), but not devoid of late-'70s Brit new-wave influences like the Soft Boys (10), XTC (11), Elvis Costello (12), and Squeeze (13), either. ..."

"...aren't that far from the Figgs (14)..."

"...inevitable Big Star (15) and Cheap Trick (16) comparisons ... "

"...recalls the heyday of early-'70s AM radio ... . Think Todd Rundgren (17), Badfinger (18), 10cc (19).

and finally, after declaring the way we never were an album of the year candidate, mr. harrington drops in a final other-band-related comment, one not really about the record reviewed...

"(All votes for the Pattern considered, of course.)"


and after all these name-checked bands, all i can tell you about this record: it doesn't sound like eminem, or dj shadow, that's for sure.