This will be exciting. It's about beating The Man.

In late February, as I moved into my current apartment, I established new cable service. My decision was a good one - Internet, Digital Cable, Premium channels, $86/month. A fair rate, it would seem and, owing to the fact that I'm in a tree-filled apartment complex, the only one I could make with the monopoly I'm working with.

Now, it was a 12-month special and, alas, the day of reckoning came this past week. My new bill came and...$138. $138! (Whoa. That's a 60 percent increase. Whoa.)

So, tonight, it was time to dealmake. To threaten to leave. To squeeze them for what they're worth.

The net effect: $10 more than I was paying per month for three fewer premium channels, but also internet that's allegedly twice as fast. (My computer is infected, so it's just, you know, slow.)

The machinations:

1) Customer Service Representative Marcus answers. I explain my predicament - I knew the day of reckoning was coming, but I just can't afford that. Marcus explains that I'm paying the main rate, and that the discounted rate was a one-year term.

2) I ask what the individual premiums cost. $10 for HBO & Cinemax. $10 for Showtime and The Movie Channel. $7 for Starz.

3) "And what does the Internet cost?" $44.99. "And the digital package, with no premiums?" $55.99.

4) Marcus decides I'd be better served working with "Current Customer Service," or something, so I'm redirected to Lisa, operating out of the Walker office. It sounds as if Lisa is underwater.

5) I explain to Lisa my predicament...She checks into my specials.

6) After I'm on hold for a few minutes, she comes back with her best offer: Upgraded Internet speed, and the same channels I currently have, for $113.

7) I ask about what the price would be if I didn't upgrade the internet...$103, after taxes.

8) I ask about the basic basic basic package - channels 1 through 12 - current internet speed. $15.50 for the cable, plus $44.99 for the internet connection. "However, that requires an installation also, so you'll pay $35 for the service visit."

9) I bring out the hammer..."I don't really watch that much TV - really, 60 Minutes and Meet The Press and Chicago Cubs baseball on WGN, and then I use the digital cable to watch movies - I'm pathetic, really - and I'm thinking I could go to this package, and I'll just use the savings towards a NetFlix.

10) She doesn't bite, really, but suggests the upgraded internet plus HBO and Cinemax for $98. She can't do the same Internet plus HBO and Cinemax for less.

So, net effect, The Man won. The Man always wins. But I was pretty proud of my negotiation ploy. Too bad it didn't work, really.

- - - - - - - -

An update on my previous post:
On Tuesday night, after a solid round of marbles shooting, a friend and I went to our standard Tuesday night half-price martini night. However, the martini place was closed for some private party, so we went to the bar downstairs.

He ordered whiskey and water.

I ordered a Blue Moon - after all, it was on tap, and I like beer with fruit in it.

She turned to him: "$3.75." And then to me: "$5.25." I was stunned.

And then she returned with our drinks. First to him: "$3.75." Then to me: "$5.25." Still stunned, I pulled out a Hamilton. I tipped 75 cents, because I'm an ass, and because, lo, She Didn't Give Me An Orange Slice.

Blue Moon is never - never - worth $5.25. Especially in a town where, on any other Tuesday night, I would have consumed a "martini" - essentially, any type of fruit-flavored schnapps you can find, garnished with several cherries and perhaps some orange juice - runs you a mere four bucks.

Crap.